


Cry Pretty

by Lady_of_Winterhell



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: BAU Team - Freeform, Family Dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 18:28:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18922624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_of_Winterhell/pseuds/Lady_of_Winterhell
Summary: The five times Emily didn’t cry, and the one time she could only cry. Not going to lie: this fic is 100% inspired by Carrie Underwood’s “Cry Pretty.”





	1. Pride Goeth Before the Fall

“Pride goeth before the fall.” Emily heard her attacker, Cyrus, say as his final, hard blow sent her into the floor for good.

Not that Emily was particularly prideful, but she didn’t really appreciate the split second, psychological-based decisions that this job required of her sometimes. This time, that decision left her bloodied, broken, bruised, and in the floor of an obscure room of an under siege cult’s compound. No, not at all a place she wanted to be, but she knew this where was she was meant to be.

Emily had a job to do. From the moment the siege started, she was prepared for something to go awry. Though she didn’t doubt her abilities to profile and to see this situation through, she always knew Reid would be their in with Benjamin Cyrus. Cyrus was one of the worst kind of predators: a self-fulfilling prophet who believed himself to be an all-knowing messiah. He was a misogynist, and Emily knew she would never break through with a man like Benjamin Cyrus. No matter how much she wanted to pummel him for his bright plan to shoot it out with cops with innocents stuck inside, she knew Reid would have to be the one to work Cyrus. She would have to find another angle.

Of course, she took a huge risk when she confirmed she was the FBI Agent. Again, one of Cyrus’ blind spots was his genuine disbelief that a woman could be an agent. Confirming it was her, though, kept Reid alive and hopefully, out of harm’s way. She didn’t profile Cyrus as overly physically violent. However, Emily had been around the block enough times to expect anything. Part of her training was to be prepared for anything, so she steeled herself before making the ultimate confession. She still wasn’t prepared for Cyrus’ reaction.

Once the siege ended, Emily wanted to find Reid and see how badly he was hurt. No, she needed to see Reid. As soon as she saw him and Morgan exit the compound, she and Reid embraced. 

Reid had become one of her first friends at the BAU. Early on, he was cold toward her as he battled a drug addiction. But Emily, following the team’s lead, just let that work itself out. He sought her out when he was ready. Eventually, Reid opened up to Emily, showing his vulnerability and allowing their friendship to blossom. In turn, she opened up to him. He was so bright, and his weapon truly was his intellect. It hurt her to see him suffer. Perhaps that was also in her calculation when she availed herself as the FBI Agent. It didn’t matter. She was happy he was safe. That’s what mattered.

On the plane, she could tell Reid was upset. He blamed himself for her injuries. None of it was fault. Not really. Emily would’ve made the same decision if she were sent in there with any of her colleagues. Sure, they all had the same skills, but Cyrus wasn’t the kind of monster to open up to her. If anything, he’d try to make her one of his wives to subordinate her. Probably too old and not impressionable enough. In any case, she needed Reid to know this wasn’t his fault when she sat down in the jet seat across from him.

“I need you to know what Cyrus did to me is not your fault. It was my decision, and I would do it again.” Emily peered into Reid’s face, hoping to catch his downcast eyes. 

In reality, she felt awful. Everything hurt. Her entire body ached, especially her head and face. Could’ve been worse. Much worse. Of course, Cyrus could’ve killed her. Based on his reaction and his general thoughts on women, she wasn’t sure why he didn’t. He left her alive, meaning she was still able to play her role: get as many people out as possible. 

Reid gave her one of his shy smiles with an “ok.”

“Thank you.” She needed to hear him say it. She needed Reid to believe that she’s fine, that they’re fine. 

When they landed at Quantico, he put his hand out, guiding her toward his office. It was an unspoken agreement. They all knew he kept some whiskey stashed in his office for the hard days like today. That night, though her body ached, she substituted pain meds for a few glasses of whiskey neat in Rossi’s office. Rossi didn’t say much, but she knew he was the one person who could read her like a book. Over the last several months, their relationship also blossomed. David Rossi was kind of like a rockstar, but at first, Emily thought the old saying “never meet your heroes” aptly described him. Soon, he learned to work with the team. That’s when she saw the brilliant, but tortured, soul beneath the cool exterior. He quickly became someone that Emily could look up to and learn from.

Through the pain and silence, Emily drank as she and Rossi sat at opposite ends of the couch in his office. At least it’s nice to not be alone. She physically hurt, but she wouldn’t cry tonight. Tonight, she sat with Rossi, sipping through the pain the same way she had watched those old school detectives did in those midnight tv shows. Tonight, Rossi accompanied her and she would not cry. Tomorrow, is a better day.


	2. Before You Break

Emily stood outside the church for a while, letting the pure snowflakes pepper her silky, dark brown hair and coat. She was torn on whether she should go inside or book it out of there like a bat out of hell. She hadn’t necessarily lost her faith before Matthew’s death, but she didn’t necessarily have a good relationship with the Catholic Church. The place that turned its back on me when I was hurting and in need, just like Matthew. Knowing its connection to Matthew’s death, it was like the sight of the church cut deep within her soul.

So there she stood out in the dark, cold, snowy night, waiting. Waiting for her feet to move in one direction or the other. Waiting for her cowardice or her bravery to take over. Waiting to see whether SSA Emily Prentiss or 15 year-old Emily Prentiss would make this decision.

Decisions have never been your strong suit, Em. She thought about all of the decisions she made from the days she spent as a frightened 15 year-old in Italy to today. How can I be proud? The demons--they never leave. Over the years, her mantra had become “what’s done is done.” It was the only way to protect herself. 

Within a few moments, she felt a wetness on her upper lip. Taking her hand up to her face, she realized her nose had started to bleed. Great. Just what I need right now. Emily pulled a cloth out of her pocket to stop it. The cold probably isn’t doing you any favors here, Em. Time to shit or get off the pot. 

A few moments later, she realized that her feet were moving. She was entering the sanctuary. Pulling open the heavy wooden door, she walked through it at a slow, apprehensive pace. Most noticeably, she could hear hymnal musical as she walked in. As much as she wanted to bolt, she kept walking until she found a seat in the back pew, a seat that was conspicuously near the exit. Best not to draw attention. As she took her seat, the organ player shifted to a different hymn, one that she recognized from her childhood.

Overwhelmed in the depths of sorrow, on the tree of pain and scorn…

Emily’s chest fell, and she began to panic internally. Matthew, I’m so sorry. Shutting her eyes tightly, she tried to compartmentalize her emotions just like she did every day. She squeezed her eyelids until she started seeing spots. I can’t. I can’t do this. Not now. It hurts too much.

Emily steeled herself to make her quiet exit, when she noticed a hand on her shoulder and a warm body sit down next to her. She blinked a few times to bring her field of vision back and was startled when she heard her new pew partner speak.

“You know, sometimes, I stop here after we get back from a case. Some cases call for it more than others.” Emily shifted her head a bit to see David Rossi sitting next to her, staring straight ahead.

“I, um, I didn’t know you’d be here, Dave. Thought you were headed home.”

“Neither did I. Like I said, some cases are harder than others.” He turned his head to look directly at Emily now. “It’s good to see you here, Emily.”

“Really? Because I’m not even sure I should be here. I don’t think I’m ready. Maybe not ever…” Emily spoke with a pained voice now. It wasn’t a voice that he was familiar with from her, not even when Emily faced great physical pain did she sound like this. However, it was a tone he knew all too well. Her faith is shaken. Rossi sat there with her for a few seconds, taking the situation in and listening to the hymn with her. He didn’t say anything as he turned to look forward again.

“You know, I remember when I first lost my innocence.” Emily shot him a look that he could feel, so he glanced over at her. “Not like that, Emily. The first time I realized true evil exists in this world.”

“What?” 

“I knew who I was. I knew my teachings and my upbringing, right from wrong. I’d been to war. I’d seen many things, but I never thought that I’d see the kinds of depraved things humans could do to other humans. Knowing that kind of evil existed? It did something to me, something to my spirit. At first, it didn’t phase me. I was a tough little bastard. Then, one day, I could no longer reconcile myself with my knowledge that true evil existed, that it walked amongst us. I was pushing everything deep inside, trying to bury it until I couldn’t do it at all anymore. What are you burying?”

Emily whipped her head around quickly, and she sounded slightly annoyed. “Are you profiling me, Dave?”

Rossi pursed his lips to show his disagreement. “Not at all, Emily. I don’t need to profile you to see the pain that you are in right now, to know that you are going to stuff all of this away in a box deep inside as soon as you can.”

Emily shifted her head slightly away from Dave in shame.

“And what about it?” Dave could sense the sarcasm in her voice as she posed the question. So this must have been what teenage Emily Prentiss sounded like. I can work with this.

“Emily, you speak Italian right?” Dave could see her almost imperceptible nod as her dark hair bounced a bit.

“Have you ever heard the saying ‘Al piu potente ceda il più prudente’?”

“Better to bow than to break?” He nodded with a bit of pride before continuing. Emily’s language skills always impressed him because it took true intelligence and discipline to keep that many languages straight—but he never felt the need to tell her that.

“Accept what you can’t change. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. You have to know your limits because those little compartmentalized boxes won’t last forever. Know who you are and embrace it. And Emily, you are one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. Make no mistake. But even the strongest can break. There’s no reason you can’t mourn Matthew and still love the woman you’ve become. I didn’t know teenage Emily, but I bet she was a handful and quite the know it all.” Emily let out a soft chuckle, as he continued. “But I know she would be proud of you. You’re gonna get through this, Emily. You just have to find your path and acknowledge it’s the one you’re meant to be on. Embrace it.” 

“But how? We’re surrounded by death, destruction, and chaos every single day. How do I accept that and fight it when I’m not even sure that I’m meant to be here?”

Rossi regarded her question and thought on it for a moment. “Emily you’re exactly where you need to be. You just need to know it.” Rossi took her hand as she tilted her head to rest on his shoulder. Like that, they sat quietly though the rest of the service not getting up even for Holy communion.

“How do I ever reconcile any of this?” Emily’s voice was barely at a whisper. Dave wasn’t sure exactly what she meant by that question, or even if it was directed at him, so he thought about it for a moment.

“I don’t know. Do you want SSA David Rossi or former altar boy Dave to answer that?”

“How about an answer from my friend?”

“I can only tell you this much: you won’t expect it to happen, and it will happen the moment you least expect it. It’s something you have to work through.”

When the sanctuary started to clear out, Rossi softly patted the back of Emily’s hand with his other hand and said, “Let’s get out of here, kid. I’ll drop you off.” Emily could’ve pushed back, but she could tell it wasn’t a request.

They rode in silence as Emily stared at the snowflakes falling outside the window. Some time later, they arrived at her townhouse.

“Thanks for the ride...and the company, Dave.”

“It was nothing, Emily. Just know you’re not alone. Not ever.” She nodded at him appreciatively as she went inside.

Emily poured herself a glass of wine. She had no appetite, but she figured a glass of wine couldn’t hurt. As she sipped her wine, she looked out over the capitol. In her head, she knew Rossi was right. She would get through this. I have to know my own limits: when to bow before I break completely. But what if I’m already broken?

That night, she finished that bottle of Merlot in her living room thinking about all kinds of things. That night, she went to bed, and she didn’t cry.


	3. That's Not You

Emily always had a sense about Hotch. They weren’t particularly close, at least any closer than she was with anyone else on the team, but they did understand each other quite well. When he didn’t show up to work their case that morning, she knew something was wrong. She didn’t know exactly what could be wrong, but she had a negative feeling. The sheer terror of seeing the blood in his apartment is a memory that will haunt forever, much like the end of this story. 

Emily didn’t know Haley that well. They’d met a couple of times when she and Hotch where still married, before their marriage became another casualty of this job. She attended their Super Bowl party night, and they had a decent conversation. No matter how little she knew of Haley, nothing could prepare her for this. Not in a million years.

To say this was nothing but sheer, brutal slaughter, was an understatement. Emily had seen worst crime scenes, but the level of taunting was another thing. My God, she knew she was going to die. They both did. Foyet was dead, and she was glad that he was. He wouldn’t have been a man long for this world, otherwise. And that’s just unnecessary paperwork. She thought morosely.

At the crime scene, she comforted JJ. Although she couldn’t pinpoint it, JJ had become one of her closest friends and allies. 

“Jayge…” she started.

“I’m ok, Emily. I’m ok. I just can’t stop thinking about what if this were Will and Henry.” JJ choked up, and Emily could sense she was working hard to keep the tears in. Like Emily, JJ was always a professional and could handle herself as well as anyone else on the team. In their field, that meant sometimes they handled themselves too well at the risk of showing too much emotion around their male counterparts. It wasn’t the best look. Too many questions they’ll ask about what’s going on. 

All I can see is Hotch, completely deconstructed in that room. I’ll never forget. That son of a bitch broke him. That day many people broke, and if Emily were being honest, it never got any easier. When Strauss questioned them before Haley was even cold, Emily wanted to vomit. They did nothing wrong. This was a case that even where the team did everything right, but they still suffered a major loss. No, Em. Not a major loss, a defeat. Frankly, days like these made Emily want to pack up and head anywhere but here. You’re a fighter, not a quiter, Prentiss.

After Haley’s funeral, they all went back to Rossi’s house for a bit. He offered to host a dinner since Hotch obviously couldn’t have it at the house where Foyet slaughtered Haley. The whole team was there to support Hotch. They all decided they’d be there for as long as was needed. They peppered themselves around Rossi’s living room and kitchen, talking to folks and helping whenever they could. Today was about supporting Hotch, being there for him and Jack as much as they could.

As the hours wore on, they each began to file out one by one. For some reason, Emily couldn’t go, not yet. Even as Hotch decided to call it to get Jack home in bed, Emily stayed rooted in the spot she declared when they had arrived at the house. To the average onlooker, Emily would have looked zoned out as her gaze fixated on a warm colored wall hanging that reminded her of some of the chapel paintings she had seen when she lived in Europe as a child. Wow, if only I knew THAT was the simpler time. I guess it’s true when they say it never gets any easier.

After Dave let the last guest out, he approached Emily with a glass containing what appeared to be a full pour of scotch and held it out to her. She made eye contact with him. “Thanks, Dave.” She accepted the glass, and he sat down in an adjacent chair. 

They sat there for a bit, both of them staring at their glasses in anticipatory silence. Dave was the one to break the silence. “Well, kid, what’s on your mind? I can hear your thoughts all the way over here, and I’m sure this isn’t the way you intended to spend your evening.”

Emily took a swig from her glass before she started to talk. “How long?”

“Hmm?”

“How long can we keep doing this? How long can I keep doing this? This wasn’t just a loss, Dave. This was a strike to the heart of this team.”

He stared at the drink in his hand, taking a moment to reflect upon Emily’s words for a moment.

“You know, they say the brightest bulbs burn out first. The best don’t last. I don’t think that’s true. The brightest bulbs combust, and they keep burning. People like me, like you, we’re the ‘combust and keep burning’ type, Emily.”

“Very humble of you, Dave,” she replied with a slight smirk.

“Don’t be a smart ass. You know exactly what I mean. This job, this job takes a lot of labor. You know, the mental and emotional stuff that not everyone can take. It takes a certain kind of mind and spirit. When most people would give up, we’re the folks who keep going, constantly searching for answers and justice.”

“But at what price do we seek justice? All of this to search for justice that ends in death and destruction so often. I keep thinking about finding Hotch’s apartment that day, finding Hotch, Haley back at the house...that could be anyone of us, and why? Because we run afoul of the sociopath of the moment?” Emily zoned out a bit.

“What’s really on your mind, Emily?” Rossi asked as he fully shifted his body to face Emily.

Emily stopped and started a few times. “A while back, almost a lifetime ago, I made some decisions.”

Rossi could sense Emily’s apprehension as clear as day now. Typically, Emily wasn’t this transparent, so he knew he would have to help her either talk about whatever was bothering her or help her let it go. Her choice.

“What kind of decisions?”

“The kind where I could easily end up like Haley. I really shouldn’t talk…”

“Emily,” he interrupted. “I want you to know that you don’t have to finish whatever you’re saying. We can table it. No questions asked. But if you choose to tell me, I’m sworn to complete secrecy. And I do mean complete secrecy.”

Emily blinked a few times, which told Rossi that she was mulling over. Though they had a good relationship, he knew it was never easy for her to open up about anything. The fact that she had said this much indicated to him that she might be looking to talk about it. He just needed to let her open up the way that was best for her. “Would you like some more scotch?” Without a word, she handed her glass back over to him.

When he came back, she had her wallet out. “Are you leaving?” When she reached for her glass, that told him all he needed to know.

“You swear. This is between us? Because my ass is on the line here.”

“Yes, Emily. Whatever you say in this house right now stays here.”

She nodded, sipped her scotch, and started to recount the story. “Before I joined the BAU, I was assigned to a special task force. The kind of task force that requires very close proximity to some of the most dangerous individuals in the world. People that you wouldn’t normally associate with. Because of the nature of the assignment, I had to get particularly close to this subject. Closer than I ever wanted to be.” 

At that, she paused and finished off her glass and handed it back to Rossi. “You might want to just bring the bottle, Dave.” Rossi obliged her.

“When I got close to him, he...he got in my head as much as I was in his. He revealed to me...well, he told me he had a son. A sweet little boy. I knew I had to protect him.” Rossi could sense her voice starting to break some.

“Protect him how?” She handed Rossi a photo that she pulled out of what seemed to be a false wall in the wallet. He saw a cheery, blue-eyed, blond-haired little boy in a soccer uniform. It looked like those athletic team photos people peppered all around their homes and desks. Only, Emily seemed to hide it. She wanted to keep this photo buried, but still close to her.

“His name is Declan. When we moved in to his arrest father...I faked his death and helped relocate him using both official and unofficial channels. The funny thing is: his father thought we could be a family. He wanted me to raise him as my own.”

Working this job, nothing truly shocked David Rossi. However, Emily’s confession rattled him a bit. He was taken aback, but he did his best not to let it show. He knew that sometimes, their job called for non-conventional things. It just surprised him to hear this from Emily.

“What made you think of this now, after all of this time? Today?” 

“Well, they used Declan’s fake crime scenes to get his father to confess. He’s in prison now, but Dave, if he ever gets out, I’m dead. When I saw Haley at that house...I saw me. I saw Declan. I wanted to protect a defenseless, little boy. He’s not my son, but...I got close enough that I fell for him.”

“Where is he now?”

“He’s nearby,” David could tell there were things that she didn’t want to tell him, and the boy’s location was one of those things. 

“You said he wanted you to be the boy’s mother?” Emily nodded in agreement before Dave continued. “Well, it sounds like he got what he wanted. Haley was prepared to die for Jack, just like you’re prepared to die to defend Declan. In our line of work, we’re often close to people who wouldn’t hesitate to kill us. Emily, I know you. You’re too proud to say it outright, but you won’t be another Haley. I promise.”

Throwing back her glass, Emily let out a stifled guffaw. “Well, don’t make promises you can’t keep, Dave. But you’re right. I’d die for Declan.”

They sat there in silence, sipping scotch, for the next several hours. They finished off one bottle, and they started on another. When Emily started to fall asleep, Dave helped her up the stairs into his guest room. 

After making sure she made it onto the bed, he leaned over with one hand on her temple and kissed her forehead, as he said, “Dormi bene, mia figlia.” Sleep well, my child.

Rossi did best not to profile his teammates, but he had long known one thing about Emily: she never had a protector. It’s why she took on the role of protector and took it as seriously as she did. That night, as she slept calmly, yet fitfully, Emily did not cry.


	4. And We Danced Anyway

Emily had made her mind up. Almost as soon as Clyde made the offer, she knew going to Interpol was the right move. On the whole, it was still an incredibly different job, but she needed something different. 

She wasn’t sure she could call the BAU home anymore. The events of the last year weighed upon her heavily, and although everything was fine now, she couldn’t help but feel that everything wasn’t fine. Declan was re-settled, and she was still able to sneak in video chat visits with him to make sure he was adjusting well. Deep down, she wished she could keep him with her. However, she knew that wasn’t really an option.

The bank robbery and attempt on Will’s life sealed the deal for her. She was happy for JJ and Will. Will was an awesome guy, who more than a time or two, came and carted the girls around when they were out having too much fun. He was good for JJ. This incident showed her that it was time to move on. Besides, this was the one place she’d stayed the longest in her life. This itself was a huge feat.

She didn’t want the team to know, not yet. It was JJ’s big day. That was enough of a surprise on its own. So she tried her best to enjoy the wedding and fit. Finally, nerves got her and she had to tell Hotch. She found Hotch and told him because she figured she owed him that much. He was not pleased, but he was understanding and supportive. Typical Hotch.

Telling Hotch was a load off of her chest. With a few glasses of wine, the night got a little easier. She had to excuse herself momentarily to use the restroom, and when she came back, she ran into Rossi in the kitchen. He was preparing some food.

“So, uh, Erin Strauss then?” Emily waggled her eyes and spoke in a teasing tone. She could almost hear Rossi’s smirk from the place a few feet behind him where she stood.

Rossi turned to face her and motioned her to come closer. She complied. “Don’t be a smart ass, Emily. I expect it from the others. When it’s from you? It’s just rude.”

Emily laughed out loud at this. “Ah yes, this is what I’m going to miss,” she said as her facial expression changed from mirth to apprehension.

“So it is what I was thinking then?”

“And what were you thinking?” 

“That you weren’t long for this team. Is that right?” She nodded before he continued. “That’s what I thought, particularly when I saw you talking to Hotch earlier. Does anyone else know yet?”

“No, just you and Hotch. I hadn’t really wanted to talk about it tonight, or really, make a big deal about it ever.” Now, it was Dave’s turn to chuckle.

“Emily, it’s going to be a big deal. It took me awhile to get used to it because when I started this thing, I was used to being a loner. At most, it was just me and Jason Gideon. So joining the BAU again was a challenge for me, but the one thing I do know is we’re not just a team; we’re a family.”

“I know, and that’s what makes it hard. I can’t remember the last time I was in one place for this long. It’s hard for me to go, but I know the time is now.”

“When do you leave?”

“I leave for London the day after tomorrow.”

“Well, you didn’t give us much time to see you off. What are you going to be doing?” Emily could sense a hint of sadness in his voice. His sadness cut Emily deep, almost making her unsure of her decision. I didn’t expect this.

“Leading a team working with Interpol. They need me sooner rather than later. I’m going now, but I’ll likely be back in a few months to handle the sell of my townhouse.”

Dave nodded in agreement and understanding. “Well, I’ll be sad to see you go. But you do know you’ll always have a family here, right? A place to come home to?”

“I do.” Emily softly squeezed Rossi’s left shoulder and kissed his left cheek. He kept chopping, so she went back to the patio to rejoin the others. Telling them is going to be so much harder than I had imagined. 

Soon, the dancing began. Emily loved to dance, so naturally, she danced with everyone. She started with Reid, who seemed to have two left feet but a good spirit. Then, it was Hotch and Morgan. She decided she’d tell everyone else tomorrow morning. She owed them this night. 

Next up, she danced with Rossi. They started off quiet. She could sense something was off with him. She didn’t quite know if it was disappointment or sadness. Honestly, Rossi was hard to read sometimes. Eventually, he started to speak.

“Emily?”

“Hmm?”

“Did you understand what I meant what I said earlier? When I said you’ll always have a family and a place to go here?” 

“I think so, Dave. This team is my family. The BAU is my home.”

“That’s true, but um, this kinda thing is hard for me to say so I’m just going to say it. Emily, in many ways, you’re like the daughter I never had.” She met his dark eyes then before he kept going. “You’ve always been strong, kid. But someday, you will need the support. And I’m here for you. My home is here for you. Anytime you need. No questions asked.”

“Thanks...dad,” she said with a slight chuckle and they both laughed. “You know, my dad wasn’t around. But if I had to pick, I’d say you’re a pretty good stand in.”

“As I’m proud to be, kiddo.” This time, Rossi kissed the side of her head subtly. They both laughed as he told her, “I know you’re going to go kick ass anyway.”

They finished out their dance in silence. Next, it was Emily’s turn to dance with JJ and Garcia. Though she was on the verge of tears, she couldn’t let them fall. This is JJ’s day. Tell them tomorrow. Stick to the plan. And they danced like no one was watching, as was their MO.

Emily stayed that night as long as she could. She didn’t want the night to end, even though she knew it must. The next day, she told the team. As she expected, people were surprised, upset, and happy for her all at the same time. They insisted on taking her to dinner, which against her better judgment, turned into drinks and a decently late evening.

Early the next morning, she was on her flight to London to start her next chapter. I miss them so much already. She knew would see her family again, so she did not cry that day.


	5. The Girl Who Carried the Weight of the World

Over the years, even during her tenure with Interpol, she’d kept in contact with the BAU team. She was shocked when Mr. Scratch forced Hotch into WitSec with Jack. Emily was even more shocked when she learned Hotch chose her as his successor. 

Never in a million years had she thought of taking the job! However, JJ, Reid, and Rossi did their best to convince her. Dave lamented that they wanted their Emily back. When she said yes, he joked how it was nice to have his oldest child back home so that nest wouldn’t be so empty anymore.

However, nothing would prepare her for what was about to happen. When Reid was arrested, Emily almost lost her mind. Of course he’s innocent, Em! But why would anyone take your word for it? When springing him out of jail didn’t work, Emily got him a lawyer to fight in court. She would cover any costs he needed since the FBI basically turned its back on him.

Emily did everything in her power to protect Reid. Reid was like the little brother she never had. He was incredibly bright but incredibly naive at the same time. She knew there was no way he did what the Mexican authorities accused him of doing. And if he had done it, he had a good reason. Reid wasn’t a killer. More importantly, he would never take drugs. Not again.

On top of Reid’s incarceration, they still held a full caseload. Emily really was burning the candle at both ends. Getting Reid out of jail, especially since she knew he wouldn’t do well there, was her primary goal. So when Reid yelled at her, even though her rational brain told her it was in frustration and fear not out of anger toward her, it hurt her. It scared her, sending her into a panic that maybe she couldn’t fix this. I can’t let this team fall apart on my watch; I can’t let Spencer suffer. I have to fix this.

After that explosive meeting, Emily had to return to Quantico to work on paperwork. She assumed that once Hotch returned, he wouldn’t be too keen on inheriting a mountain of work she should’ve done. He would handle this so much better. He would’ve known how to help Reid. It was already late, but she had to suck it up and get this work done.

Slowly, Emily felt a migraine moving in from her left temple. She started to rub her temple. This much stress isn’t really helping. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. 

“Who is it?”

“It’s me, Emily.” 

“You can come in, Dave.”

Rossi opened the door and came up to her desk with what appeared to be food. He confirmed her suspicion when he held up the bag and said, “I come bearing gifts. It’s not linguini a la Rossi, but their pasta isn’t too bad.” Rossi noticed the pained expression on her face. “Is everything ok?”

“I just got a migraine. It will pass. Thanks so much for bringing dinner!” 

“I was kinda banking on you needing company?” Dave waited for Emily’s invitation to sit.

“Of course. Have a seat.” They ate in silence for a bit.

“So. How was he today?”

“Not good, Dave. I can tell he’s becoming demoralized every day. Spencer doesn’t belong in jail. I’m terrified that something is going to happen to him.” Emily could feel her throat became heavy.

“I reckon that’s what brought on this headache? Well, that and all of this paperwork?”

“You are a very perceptive profiler, Dave.” He smirked at that.

“You know, Emily, this isn't your fault. You can’t carry this burden all on your own, especially when you’ve done everything you can to help the kid out here. You’ve taken this on yourself.”

“He scared me today, Dave. There...there’s a history there, and he scared me.”

“Is this about his past drug use?” Emily’s surprised, questioning eyes shot up to meet Rossi’s. How can he possibly know?

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t play me, Emily. It was on the tip of your tongue when he was arrested. You stopped yourself from saying it because you didn’t want to expose him. Besides, I’ve long suspected the kid was fighting a demon.”

Emily rolled her eyes a bit, and Dave could tell she was making a split second decision as to whether tell him the story. Eventually, she acquiesced. “It was before you joined the team. Another wonderful side effect of this job. An unsub kidnapped him and almost killed JJ in the process. We found her after she had to shoot two vicious attack dogs the unsub had already used to murder a woman. She was terrified and half out of her mind.

JJ snapped back quickly enough, once we found Reid and she forgave herself. Reid though...he was different. The unsub shot him up with Dilaudid to keep him calm and because he thought he was protecting Reid from his dead father—whose personality he had assumed. We got Reid back, but he came back with a habit. I caught the brunt of his mood swings. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I was the newest team member, and he had no reason to trust me. Hotch and Gideon chose to handle it internally, without alerting OPR. But we all knew.”

Rossi closed his eyes and nodded slightly. “Because getting OPR involved would’ve completely destroyed his career.” Emily nodded in agreement.

“We kept an eye out for him. As far as I know, he’s only ever had one near relapse.” Emily looked distant as she recounted that. It was my fault that he almost relapsed, like it is now that he can’t get out of that place. God, he can’t trust me. “Dave, today he yelled at me. I know it was out of frustration and fear. But it just reminded me of when he was using. It reminded me of how he lashed out at me. I saw the Reid who didn’t trust me. I know there were many different things going on then like there are now, but this? It feels like it’s on me.”

“No,” Rossi spoke up sternly. “Emily this is absolutely not on you. You’re doing everything you can. You know that Reid adores you. He looks up to you, and he trusts you. I’ve never seen the kid be anything but pro-Emily Prentiss. He’s under pressure right now. We all know jail isn’t a good fit for anyone like Reid, and then, add to that he’s a Fed? No, none of this is on you, and he knows that.”

Emily took in Rossi’s comments and thought on them for a moment before he started to speak again. “But Emily, you need to know that too. You’re doing what you can. You haven’t let anyone down. In fact, you’ve done well by stepping in here. You’re much more emotionally centered than you’re willing to let on. Often, that means you carry the weight of the world without letting anyone know that it’s crushing you. You’re doing it now, but you don’t have to. We’re all in this. We all want him out of there, and he trusts us to make that happen.”

“I know that, Dave. It’s just that I’m the leader. The team looks to me.”

“That you are. But remind me. What’s the FBI’s role in this? You’re doing this on your personal dime and time. This isn’t about you leading the team. You’re being a good friend—and you’re doing a much better job than you think. Reid loves you. We all do.”

Rossi stood to leave. “I’m going to let you get your paperwork done. I’d volunteer to help, but honestly, it looks boring as shit, and I have a bottle of scotch with my name on it.” Emily smirked at that. “Never forget to give yourself credit. Take care of yourself, kiddo.” 

Before leaving he walked behind her desk, and he kissed the top of her head while she squeezed his arm. Now that she was the Unit Chief, he made sure to regard her with all due respect in front of their team and other colleagues. He intended to lead by example. Emily Prentiss was now their Unit Chief and deserving of every ounce of respect that title imbued her with. But she’s still our Emily, my girl. And sometimes, she needs me. 

Once Rossi was gone, Emily sat staring into the void of her office for just a bit longer. It was hard for her to focus on her paperwork. She thought about what Rossi had said. Rationally, he made sense. However, that didn’t bring Reid home to them. She wanted to cry, but she steeled herself and poured herself into her paperwork.


	6. And the Song Plays on

It was a gorgeous, but humid, late August day. Emily, JJ, Garcia, and Tara met up for breakfast that morning. It was nice catching up with these women. While they had all moved on to different things, they still kept in touch through semi-regular dinner parties, brunches, birthday parties, graduations, and the such. However, all dressed in black, this morning’s brunch wasn’t a particularly happy occasion. They ate and caught up like old friends do, but there was an elephant in the room. They were all feeling it, but Emily was clearly the most distraught. 

For that reason, they decided they would go together and JJ would drive. I don’t think I can do this. Not today. Not ever. He’d tell me it’s the one inevitable thing that everyone faces. He’d have words to tell me to get over it. But I guess I have to find the words now. 

Once they arrived at their destination in JJ’s town car, Emily stepped out in her black dress and black stilettos. She stopped walking into the church’s sanctuary as she stopped to regard David Rossi’s photo on a stand to her right. All black hair. Dave, would love this photo. He’d say it was when he was at his prime. Her friends hung back a bit for her. They all expected this would be a particularly difficult day for Emily, even if she wouldn’t admit it. She had called JJ the night before, and JJ wasn’t even sure she was taking to Emily Prentiss. That was when she suggested the girls meet up beforehand and drive together. Eventually, Emily took the plunge and walked into the sanctuary. To her surprise, she she saw Hotch standing just inside the doors with a young man.

“Aaron Hotchner!” Emily exclaimed softly as she moved in to embrace him and kiss him on the cheek. “And Jack,” she said as she moved over to hug the young man. “How is this possible?” She made a gesture indicating she was talking about his height.

“They tell me this is what happens over time,” Jack smiled. He remembered “Auntie Emily” from the days he spent at JJ’s house when he was a little boy.

Hotch chuckled a bit, letting a father’s pride for his child seep out. Like Dave used to.

“He’s starting at Georgetown Law next fall.”

Emily regarded Hotch for a moment before speaking. “That’s incredible, Jack. Congrats!”

“Well, we’re going to grab a seat. Let’s catch up after?” Although Hotch still had that reservedness about him, the years eroded some of his walls making him more inviting than intimidating.

“Of course.” As she saw Hotch and Jack walk toward a pew, she spotted Spencer and Derek and waved at them. Spencer still worked with her at the BAU, but he was now Unit Chief, a position he vowed to never leave her as long as she remained their Section Chief. She would talk to them later and catch up with Derek. They had agreed that Dave, the host of many a BAU team dinner, would have liked that. She grimaced a bit as she thought: Perhaps he’d enjoy being here with us more. 

Looking around, she noticed that JJ, Garcia, and Tara were seated not far from Hotch and Jack. It looked like JJ was trying to get Hotch’s attention. She was sure that they’d all catch up at dinner. Just like they used to, when Dave was here. She shut her eyes tightly for a second to steel herself. No crying, Em. Not yet. Be strong. 

When Emily opened her eyes, she saw Joy standing with her two kids not too far from her. Joy noticed her, too. 

“Emily!” Joy moved into hug her.

“Joy, I’m so sorry.” Emily returned Joy’s embrace. Once the hug broke, Joy took Emily’s hand.

“I’m so glad you’re here, Emily! It’s been a day already. Dad always said there would be many weeping women when he died, but I didn’t quite expect this.” From Joy’s pained facial expression, she could tell that Joy was trying hard to lighten the mood.

Emily smiled a bit, and squeezed Joy’s hand to show her support. “Yes, Dave certainly always had a way with words.” 

Although David Rossi retired years earlier, he and Emily still kept in very regular contact. Sometimes, he’d invite her over for a home cooked meal with his family. Sometimes, she’d invite him to try a new wine spot she found. They shared a love for good wine. Sometimes, they’d have game night—where they’d don their Cubs gear and watch the Cubs play. Rossi had long been a fan of the Cubs, and Emily didn’t have the heart to tell him that she was really a Red Sox girl at heart. In fact, she was sure she would have been immediately thrown out, so she kept that to herself as she dressed out in Cubs gear. Sometimes, they’d just talk on the phone for a bit as a means to check in on each other. Chatty Kathy. 

Joy, who was still holding Emily’s hand, brought Emily back from her thoughts. “Come. Sit with us, Emily.” She allowed Joy to lead her to the front pew. Emily took a seat next to Joy, who was joined by her husband and two children. 

Soon, the funeral service began. Emily recognized the priest officiating the service because he was a priest who Rossi had known for a while. Emily would sometimes go to mass with Rossi. It had become something they’d do together occasionally, when they felt they needed it. It happened more often the past few months. 

Late last year, Rossi was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Always the fighter, Rossi was determined to fight until he discovered the prognosis.

“I’ve made my peace with it, Emily. I just have to let nature take its course.” He morosely told Emily over a breakfast of bacon and eggs one morning.

Though she didn’t like it, she understood. She wanted to support him in whatever time he had left. For the most part, it was business as usual. When Rossi couldn’t drive himself anymore, Emily started picking him up every Saturday afternoon to go to mass. He was shockingly spry up until just about two months ago when things took a turn for the worst. Emily would drop in more frequently to see him, bring him whatever comfort items she could think of, and watch the Cubs play even as the pain made him doze off more often than not as the days wore on.

Emily visited him the day before he died. He had been in better spirits when she arrived, but she could tell he was in pain. Eventually, he went to sleep. Although his home healthcare nurse was there, Emily sat with him for a while longer. Usually, she and Joy took turns spending the day with him on the weekend. Sometimes, old friends would drop in to see him, but his days had been getting shorter as the disease progressed. I watched him waste away in front of me, and there was nothing I could do.

Emily was lost in her thoughts during the funeral service, until she noticed the priest invite Joy to speak. She didn’t know why, but she looked at Joy with undivided attention.

“The last few months, my father knew his time with us was getting shorter. He made peace with his fate, like he said we all have to someday. One of the things he asked me to do in the last months before he passed,” she stumbled a bit before continuing, “was to transcribe a letter to be read here today to his family and friends.”

Joy took a moment before she began reading the letter.

“To all of my friends and family, who join me here today, to celebrate a life lived:

Don’t mourn me. Remember me how I lived. I wasn’t always the easiest man to get along with, but I like to think I did some good in the world.

History will likely remember me as the man who caught serial killers and who wrote books about them. That’s an over-simplistic view though. In the many years I spent in the FBI, so much happened. Many victims were created in the murders that I helped solve. Sometimes, people I loved and those they cared about became victims. As dark as it seems, I found myself in this career because I found my purpose. However, that’s not the only person I was.”

Joy paused for a brief before moment before continuing with a broken voice.

“I found my family, a family that I loved. Through my work, I made connections and created friendships with people like Aaron, Jennifer, Spencer, Derek, Penelope, Matt, Tara, Matt, Alex, Luke, and those who have gone before me.”

Emily noticed that her name was conspicuously missing from that list. Did he forget me?

“I even found my two girls: Emily and Joy. I found Emily at the BAU. You were my colleague, but over the years, you became my girl, kiddo. It’s also why I let you suffer in Cubs gearing knowing you were a Sox fan. Yes, kiddo, I’ve always known. But seeing you all dressed out for the Cubs was just a point of personal pride.”

Emily chuckled a bit. Of course he did! 

“And Joy, I missed so much time with you because I didn’t know about you. But when you found me, you brought me two of the best gifts I could ever ask for: my grandchildren, Kai and Kendall. I’m glad for the time we got to spend together. I’m happy for the time I got with both of my girls. I was a better man for it. For both of you. Believe me.”

Joy finished reading the letter, and she returned to her seat next to Emily. The two women, Rossi’s two daughters, linked their arms together and leaned their heads in on each other.

That night, after the internment and saying goodbye to Joy, Emily hosted all of her former team members at her house where she made linguini a la Rossi, as he taught her several years ago. They caught up and shared a meal, while remembering Dave. It was nice to do this again. It’s like old times. 

The following week, she attended the reading of Rossi’s will as his attorney requested. Rossi left the most of his estate to Joy and the grandkids, with a sizable donation to the Wounded Warrior Project. However, Emily was shocked to learn that he had left her his house with a note, in his handwriting, that read: In case you take it upon yourself to run off to Europe for another extended vacation, I told you you’d always have a home here, kid. I never forgot, and that will always be true. -Dave

Emily got into her car once the reading was over. Instead of driving back to Quantico as she had sat out to do, she drove home. As she placed her keys on her counter, the floodgates finally opened. Emily slid down onto the floor and let the tears fall. My dad is gone now.


End file.
